Thursday, September 20, 2007

To Whom It May Concern...

Dear members of the male species who live in this house:

As supreme ruler of all that takes place within this palace, I feel compelled from time to time to remind all of you who possess a Y chromosome about the functions of some basic household responsibilities.

1. Items found on the floor. Unless it is a piece of furniture, it should be assumed that an item found on the floor is not in it's correct location. This includes, but is not limited to, lightsabers, underwear, crayons, dvds, client files, the mail, and food. Contrary to popular belief, these items do not put themselves away. Stepping over them or kicking them under the couch is not an appropriate response.

2. The vacuum. Although our vacuum cleaner states it is self propelled, this does not actually mean it runs itself. That would be a Roomba. We do not own one of those. Our vacuum cleaner requires adult interaction in order to work properly.

3. Puzzle pieces, game pieces, action figures, markers, and all other random items that no one is able to live without. These do not belong in a big heap on the train table in the playroom. Nor do they belong in a big heap on the floor. There is a theme here. Nothing belongs in a big heap. Remember when you could not find the little suction cup rocket launcher thingies for your Spiderman web shooter? That is because they were not put away properly and were in a big heap somewhere. Only 98 out of 100 puzzle pieces? Big heap. Dried out marker with missing cap? Big heap. Gameboy game cartridge? Big heap. Daddy's wallet? Ok, that was actually found in his sportcoat pocket. But I have to question why it was missing for two days. Seeing the pattern yet?

4. Dust. Dust sucks. And yet we cannot prevent dust. We can only remove it. Dust rag, vacuum (see #2)--I'm not picky. Use your weapon of choice.

5. Sticky spots in the refrigerator and on the kitchen floor. It is a myth that these spots become less sticky and evaporate over time.

6. Laundry. Again, please refer to my "big heap" theory. This applies to both dirty and clean laundry. When you are sitting on the couch and can't see the tv because there is a huge pile of laundry on the coffee table blocking your view, the obvious solution is not to move to a different chair.

7. Papers. Where to begin. Let's start with paper scraps, shall we? If you are using scissors to cut out your Spiderman picture, the paper scraps do not belong in the Big Heap. You little people know what I am talking about. I can't even imagine how your teachers would react if you tossed your scraps on the floor at school. All that shrieking I do? Some if it could be avoided if you properly disposed of your paper scraps. Same goes for discarded drawings, junk mail, random pieces of tape, granola bar wrappers, pencil shavings, client files, your homework....

8. The broom. Not just for Quidditch any more.

9. The reason my teeny tiny corner of the office is such a mess all the time? See #'s 1-8.

10. The reason I drink? See #'s 1-9.

Next week's memo will be focused on meal times. Topic of discussion? Why Mommy is done cooking for little people who refuse to eat anything that is put in front of them if it is not a chicken nugget. A Banquet chicken nugget. As opposed to Tyson, or the Banquet marine life shaped nuggets which apparently taste vastly different than the regular shaped Banquet nuggets. There will be a quiz.

In closing, since I have spent my entire morning on my hands and knees with bathroom cleaner and a dust rag, tonight I will not be lifting a finger.

The Management

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