Monday, July 16, 2007


Washington State law mandates that all children under the age of 13 must ride in the back seat of a car (unless there is no back seat, in which case the airbag should be deactivated).

I am convinced that this is brilliantly masked as a safety issue. I think the true reason for this law is that a few members of congress got together one day and started complaining about how sick and tired they were of their kids fighting over the shotgun rule. So they made it illegal for all kids to ride in the front seat. Problem solved. "Kids, I'm sorry, but now you must all sit in the back seat. I know I know--last month it was ok, but now if you sit on the front seat you could die and we would go to jail".

Here are a few other new laws I would like to see:

--Only MOMMY is allowed to open the door when we arrive home. MOMMY must be the first one in the door. If you fight over who gets to cross the threshhold first, you might die and Mommy will go to jail.

--It is illegal for you to get into the van on the side opposite of your car seat. Everyone must enter and exit according to their assigned place. If you don't see your car seat when you open the door, go around and get in on your side. And here is a big hint: your car seat is always on the same side. Always.

--All bathtub faucets should be in the very center of the bathtub, like a fountain. No more fighting over who gets to sit by the running water.

--All character based fruit snacks should be illegal.

--Floam, Silly Putty, and Playdoh should be classified as hazardous material. And if you get it on Mommy's rug, you might die and Mommy might go to jail.

--Everything should come in sets of 2. Red pencils, coloring books, Gameboys, Gameboy games, Spiderman costumes, rubber bands, pictures that Ryan draws, computers, Harry Potter wands, flashlights, battery powered bubble name it. No item that would ever appeal to a child, ever, should be a single item. It should always come as a pair. I don't care about sharing. I don't care about teaching my kids to take turns or about helping them learn to be sensitive, caring, giving adults. I WANT THEM TO STOP FIGHTING OVER THE DAMN GREEN BASKETBALL. NOW!

These are just a few of my thoughts as I begin another week of summer break with my 2, count them, 2 children.

No comments: