How Do You Solve A Problem Named Alice?

Last night at 11:00 I was crawling into bed when I realized that it had happened again--Alice the 14 year old passive aggressive neurotic cat peed on our bed. Lately this has been happening about once a week. I even started taking preventive measures and was putting this garish red and turquoise polka dot picnic blanket (with waterproof backing) on the bed. Apparently yesterday she found a small corner of the bed that was not covered by the picnic blanket and chose that as her spot. Nothing like remaking your bed at 11:15 at night. And now I get to wash my down comforter on the sanitizing cycle of my new washer again. I'm afraid the thing is going to disintegrate if I keep this up. It's an old comforter and probably should be replaced, but who has $200 for a new down comforter?!

So here is my dilemma--what do I do about Alice? She is a very sweet cat and spends 23 hours a day lying on top of our bed, or hiding under it. So locking her out of the bedroom would be flat-out cruel. I don't think she's horribly ill--she seems perky and is still getting out to eat and use her litter box. I know you are all wondering why I haven't carted her off to the vet by now. Taking Alice to the vet has got to be one of the most tramatic experiences of our married life. In 17 years of marriage. She FREAKS OUT. And the last time I had to take her in I called the vet for kitty valium and was told they would be happy to give me some if I brought her in. I explained that I need the valium to GET HER IN THE CAR and they didn't see my point. I then asked for some valium for myself....

And I am truly bothered by people who put their pets down simply because they have become bothersome. I understand that there are times when that action must be taken--Alice's older brother, Binx was put down about two years ago. Binx was quite ill and suffered two strokes. The day we decided to take him in was the day he became so disoriented that he fell from the 2nd story landing and then went to hide in his litter box. He was clearly suffering and it was a clear decision.

Truly, I don't know what to do about Alice. We love her and she has been a part of our family for 14 years. And she pees on my bed once a week! We know we don't have that much more time with her, but this can't be the reason her life ends. And did I mention how she FREAKS OUT when we pick her up and even take a step in the direction of the garage? Yes, we've tried putting her in a pillowcase, and a box, and a crate...and have the physical (and emotional) scars to prove it.

I guess I'm hoping that this a problem confined to just our bed. It's all washable and contained. I think I will really become distressed if this problem evolves to other parts of the house and I am forced to take action. Truth be told, I'm not sure what horrifies me more--having to deal with Alice's problem, or become a cat-house-that-no-one-wants-to-visit. Either way, it's the kiss of death.